Most of my life is spent focusing on all the horrible things I have done and on pretending I do not actually hate myself. There are short periods when I talk myself into thinking that I should be confident and love myself even if I do not deserve it because I am God’s creation and He does not waste His time. I thoroughly believe that and that people should not hate themselves but I know exactly how hard it is to actually practice loving yourself, even appreciating yourself. It is such a waste of energy and the gifts God has blessed you with (deserved or not) to go through life depressing yourself because of your sinful nature. God saved everyone of us from that nature and my past is erased and the things in my future are erased but that never seems to sink in. My next post was going to be about my cleaning solutions for the bathroom and kitchen. All I can do is laugh now. This morning I sat down and meditated a little on the Bible. I read a chapter of Leviticus and then flipped around a little until my eyes caught Psalm 116. I never automatically think of the Psalms, they have not spoken to me particularly very much so I am never drawn to them. This morning I was and I know why now.
For you have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling; I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living. vs. 8-9
My best friend just told me that a friend from our witnessing days in high school passed away yesterday. She was a friend of my sister’s and though I never really got to be close with her she was one of only two older girls that treated me with genuine love and acceptance. I was a severe outsider throughout all of jr. high and high school. I was only ever included into things because of my sister, but this girl included me and made me comfortable even when my sister was not there. I was blessed to be friends with her brother back then and through their relationship I could see even more of her love and faith. I am happy to be able to say that I actually did think quite often of her and the influence she had on me and everyone around her. It is hard thinking about her absence but it is so amazing knowing that such a perfect example of a Godly, loving woman is finally home in the place she deserves. Her life is the perfect example of unwasted salvation. She used her love of God and God’s love for everyone and it was staggering.
So much love is wasted when you dislike yourself and I am done wasting so many things. Salvation, love, happy moments. I am fully aware that I live a (comparatively) very spoiled life. This knowledge is one of the things I use against myself when thinking of my mistakes; as a result I do not allow myself to enjoy it because I think I do not deserve it. Well I know I do not deserve it but God gave it to me anyway and I am determined now to appreciate it as long as He sees fit to continue it. I have been thinking about this a lot lately and today slapped me in the face. I am listening now.
You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven. Matthew 5:14-16